It is that time of the year again, when my birthday looms in the horizon and my thoughts turn to why I haven’t found a nice woman to settle down with and argue about whether or not to have kids. Many other important questions loom: who will listen to me complain after I retire and hang around the house all day? Who will take care of me? Who will float my corpse down the Ganges? And so, here is the 2009 Wedding Application, fill it out or pass along to someone else you think would benefit from applying.
BASIC INFORMATION
Name:
Secret Freemason name (or secret hobo name):
Date of Birth:
Referred by:
Email address:
Homepage URL:
Address:
City:
State: (not an American citizen? interested in a green card? keep filling it out)
Zip:
Primary Phone:
Date you can start:
Are you legally able to work in the United States?
Are you willing to work the hours assigned?
Height:
Weight:
IQ (SAT or ACT scores can be substituted):
GPA (transcripts may be required):
Highest level of Education:
Eye Color:
Hair Color: Is this a dye job?
Yearly Salary:
Smoke:
Drink:
Drugs:
Do you have tattoos or body piercings besides ears? If the answer is yes, attach pictures.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime? (If yes, please explain. Answering Yes will not automatically prevent you from this position).
COMPATABILITY
Do you attend church? How often? What denomination? Who is your favorite minor prophet?
Do you workout? If so, how often? Aerobic or anaerobic?
Do you own any Garth Brooks CDs? If the answer is Yes, please stop now and step in front of a bus.
Are you registered to vote?
List three concerts you have attended:
Last three films seen:
Favorite Activities:
Favorite medieval monarch:
Musical Tastes:
Play any instruments?
Last five books read (textbooks do not count)
Can you count to 11 without taking your shoes off?
Are you going to get all uptight if I don’t come home some night? Will it help if I call?
PSYCHOLOGY AND MEDICAL HISTORY
Have you had all your shots?
What pushes your buttons? (Both in your family and in general)?
Is there any feuding in your immediate or extended family? If so, please elaborate. Use more paper if necessary.
Do you or any member of your immediate family have any medical conditions-either physical or psychiatric? Please describe.
Do any family members take prescription medicine on a regular basis? Please list.
MACHINE AND EQUIPMENT SKILLS: answer yes or no unless otherwise directed
Type WPM:
10 key adding machine
Electronic hole puncher
Word
Excel
Powerpoint
DreamWeaver or other web page software (submit URLs)
BlackBoard
Fax
AACR2
MARC21
Weedeater
Lawn mower
Operate a manual transmission
ESSAYS-pick and answer ONE with as much detail as you can.
1. Discuss the main points of Charles Beard’s economic interpretation of the Constitution as well as the points of rebuttal emphasized by Forrest McDonald in his works.
2. How did the formation of Germany in 1870 threaten decisions made at the Congress of Vienna in 1815?
3. Why does Lynyrd Skynyrd suck so much? (if unfamiliar with their oeuvre, you may substitute the Eagles in answering the question).
I authorize investigation of all statements contained in this application. I certify that there are no willful misrepresentations, omissions or falsifications in the foregoing statements and answers to questions. I am aware that should an investigation disclose any misrepresentation, omission or falsification, my application may be rejected.
Date________________________
Signature_____________________
Signet ring seal (if applicable)______________________
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Ok its again been a while since I updated. Summer school was a bitch, the cataloging class was the most difficult class I've ever taken.
I'm no longer teaching sunday school, last Sunday was my last day, as if to confirm my decision, all of the most ill-behaved kids were there...the kid you have to ask five times before he'll do something; the 8 year olds who act like 5 year olds...so much fun.
Did you hear about Republican Rex Rammell of Idaho, he said his state should issue Obama tags. Tags by the way are the thing you get for hunting season. Of course, later he said he was joking. Yes, jokes about shooting the President are always awesome, esp. a black President in a country with as much racial animosity as the United States.
The Southern Poverty Law Center released an interesting report the other day. Between 1995 and 2009, 75 plots by right wing militias were discovered and foiled by federal authorities:
http://www.splcenter.org/news/item.jsp?aid=383
Many of these plots were race or ethnic based against Blacks, Muslims, and Jews. One of those plots was to blow up a natural gas refinery outside Fort Worth. Had it gone through, a possible 30,000 people could have been killed, including children at a nearby school. All four conspirators were members of the Klan.
Also Pastor Steve Anderson of Tempe, Arizona, well let him speak for himself:
"I'm not gonna pray for his good. I'm going to pray that he dies and goes to hell. When I go to bed tonight, that's what I'm going to pray. And you say, 'Are you just saying that?' No. When I go to bed tonight, Steven L. Anderson is going to pray for Barack Obama to die and go to hell."
some of his church members showed up at the Phoenix health care town hall, the one the President was at, with AR-15s. After all, who would Jesus assasinate?
As much as the idea of disunion disgusts me, maybe this country deserves another civil war. My own opinion is that the American Civil War was God's punishment for slavery. Out heads are so far up our asses, maybe its time for another punishment.
I'm no longer teaching sunday school, last Sunday was my last day, as if to confirm my decision, all of the most ill-behaved kids were there...the kid you have to ask five times before he'll do something; the 8 year olds who act like 5 year olds...so much fun.
Did you hear about Republican Rex Rammell of Idaho, he said his state should issue Obama tags. Tags by the way are the thing you get for hunting season. Of course, later he said he was joking. Yes, jokes about shooting the President are always awesome, esp. a black President in a country with as much racial animosity as the United States.
The Southern Poverty Law Center released an interesting report the other day. Between 1995 and 2009, 75 plots by right wing militias were discovered and foiled by federal authorities:
http://www.splcenter.org/news/item.jsp?aid=383
Many of these plots were race or ethnic based against Blacks, Muslims, and Jews. One of those plots was to blow up a natural gas refinery outside Fort Worth. Had it gone through, a possible 30,000 people could have been killed, including children at a nearby school. All four conspirators were members of the Klan.
Also Pastor Steve Anderson of Tempe, Arizona, well let him speak for himself:
"I'm not gonna pray for his good. I'm going to pray that he dies and goes to hell. When I go to bed tonight, that's what I'm going to pray. And you say, 'Are you just saying that?' No. When I go to bed tonight, Steven L. Anderson is going to pray for Barack Obama to die and go to hell."
some of his church members showed up at the Phoenix health care town hall, the one the President was at, with AR-15s. After all, who would Jesus assasinate?
As much as the idea of disunion disgusts me, maybe this country deserves another civil war. My own opinion is that the American Civil War was God's punishment for slavery. Out heads are so far up our asses, maybe its time for another punishment.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
working
At work on Mother's day. The action on the floor:
3: 15 every computer is being used. Two people are looking through the video/DVD section. No one is browsing any shelves with actual books on them.
Earlier some lady got pissed cause when I was checking her PIN which is used to check out books, I asked out loud if it was 5455? SHe said thanks for telling the whole building...there were three people here...and anyway its the PIN to a library account, not a bank account. We spent time thinking about how to get her back...I suggested manually adding a bunch of fines to her account.
It is slow here today. I spent at least an hour surfing GI Joe websites looking at vehicles and actionn figures I used to own...some of which are probably still in my house somewhere.
3:37 nothing happening.
3:45 i think the clock is moving backwards
4:10 people are always turning in the books to us that belong to Cedar Park; then you have to make phone calls to find out who it was...the most exciting thing to happen today so far. Every computer is full, we have a lot of fat kids who come to this library. I think every half hour the computers should lock and they should run a lap before the computer unlocks.
having tacos for dinner tonight. Dad fries the shells himself, they're awesome.
5:00, only an hour to go. then home to tacos, WKRP and finishing my final for my Preservation class.
3: 15 every computer is being used. Two people are looking through the video/DVD section. No one is browsing any shelves with actual books on them.
Earlier some lady got pissed cause when I was checking her PIN which is used to check out books, I asked out loud if it was 5455? SHe said thanks for telling the whole building...there were three people here...and anyway its the PIN to a library account, not a bank account. We spent time thinking about how to get her back...I suggested manually adding a bunch of fines to her account.
It is slow here today. I spent at least an hour surfing GI Joe websites looking at vehicles and actionn figures I used to own...some of which are probably still in my house somewhere.
3:37 nothing happening.
3:45 i think the clock is moving backwards
4:10 people are always turning in the books to us that belong to Cedar Park; then you have to make phone calls to find out who it was...the most exciting thing to happen today so far. Every computer is full, we have a lot of fat kids who come to this library. I think every half hour the computers should lock and they should run a lap before the computer unlocks.
having tacos for dinner tonight. Dad fries the shells himself, they're awesome.
5:00, only an hour to go. then home to tacos, WKRP and finishing my final for my Preservation class.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Staff Picks
At the library I work out, we have a display with staff picks. So far, both of the books I have put out there have been checked out.
#1
TITLE: A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World.
AUTHOR: Tony Horowitz
Christopher Columbus established Spanish colonies in 1492, the Puritan separatists colonies came along in 1620 and nothing happened in between. WRONG. From 1492-1620, there were several attempts by Spain, France, and England to establish colonies throughout North America. This book covers the wanderings of Cabeza de Vaca across Texas (1528-36); Francisco Vasquez de Coronado’s discover of oil and buffalo in what is now Kansas; French Protestant attempts to settle Florida (and their subsequent slaughter by the Spanish); the failed English colony of Roanoke whose inhabitants disappeared; and the disastrous English settlement of Jamestown (where some settlers turned to cannibalism to survive the winter of 1609-10).
Part history, part travelogue, the book also contains an index of sources for readers who wish to delve in to these largely ignored settlements.
RECOMMENDED BY: Jason
***************
I think it was the mention of cannibalism that got this one off the shelf and in to someone's hands. People are always fascinated to hear those kinds of stories about American history. Horowitz doesn't cover this, but there was an attempt by the French to colonize what is now east Texas. How different Texas history would have been.
#2
TITLE: The War that Made America: A Short History of the French and Indian War
AUTHOR: Fred Anderson
On July 4, 1754, a twenty-one year old Major in the Virginia militia named George Washington, yes that George Washington, surrendered to a superior force of French and Indians at Fort Necessity in the Pennsylvania frontier. Washington’s surrender followed a disastrous expedition to dislodge French forces from Fort Duquesne, built to prohibit English encroachment into the Ohio Valley. A year later, a large British army was massacred trying to take the fort.
For the next seven years, British and French forces-aided by their respective Indian allies-savagely fought for control of North America in a series of bloody campaigns in the Great Lakes and along what is now the US/Canada border. The war spread beyond the continent, dragging in the navies of Britain, France, Spain, and Holland and their respective colonies in the Caribbean and the Far East. The end of the war found Britain deeply in debt, Spain weakened, and the French spoiling for revenge thus laying the foundations for the American Revolution.
RECOMMENDED BY: Jason
******************************
I suspect the inclusion of George Washington got this one moving. Notice the date, July 4, 1754. In July of 1776, Washington penned a letter to a friend reminiscing on the irony of that date in his life.
#1
TITLE: A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World.
AUTHOR: Tony Horowitz
Christopher Columbus established Spanish colonies in 1492, the Puritan separatists colonies came along in 1620 and nothing happened in between. WRONG. From 1492-1620, there were several attempts by Spain, France, and England to establish colonies throughout North America. This book covers the wanderings of Cabeza de Vaca across Texas (1528-36); Francisco Vasquez de Coronado’s discover of oil and buffalo in what is now Kansas; French Protestant attempts to settle Florida (and their subsequent slaughter by the Spanish); the failed English colony of Roanoke whose inhabitants disappeared; and the disastrous English settlement of Jamestown (where some settlers turned to cannibalism to survive the winter of 1609-10).
Part history, part travelogue, the book also contains an index of sources for readers who wish to delve in to these largely ignored settlements.
RECOMMENDED BY: Jason
***************
I think it was the mention of cannibalism that got this one off the shelf and in to someone's hands. People are always fascinated to hear those kinds of stories about American history. Horowitz doesn't cover this, but there was an attempt by the French to colonize what is now east Texas. How different Texas history would have been.
#2
TITLE: The War that Made America: A Short History of the French and Indian War
AUTHOR: Fred Anderson
On July 4, 1754, a twenty-one year old Major in the Virginia militia named George Washington, yes that George Washington, surrendered to a superior force of French and Indians at Fort Necessity in the Pennsylvania frontier. Washington’s surrender followed a disastrous expedition to dislodge French forces from Fort Duquesne, built to prohibit English encroachment into the Ohio Valley. A year later, a large British army was massacred trying to take the fort.
For the next seven years, British and French forces-aided by their respective Indian allies-savagely fought for control of North America in a series of bloody campaigns in the Great Lakes and along what is now the US/Canada border. The war spread beyond the continent, dragging in the navies of Britain, France, Spain, and Holland and their respective colonies in the Caribbean and the Far East. The end of the war found Britain deeply in debt, Spain weakened, and the French spoiling for revenge thus laying the foundations for the American Revolution.
RECOMMENDED BY: Jason
******************************
I suspect the inclusion of George Washington got this one moving. Notice the date, July 4, 1754. In July of 1776, Washington penned a letter to a friend reminiscing on the irony of that date in his life.
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