2009 Wedding Application

It is that time of the year again, when my birthday looms in the horizon and my thoughts turn to why I haven’t found a nice woman to settle down with and argue about whether or not to have kids. Many other important questions loom: who will listen to me complain after I retire and hang around the house all day? Who will take care of me? Who will float my corpse down the Ganges? And so, here is the 2009 Wedding Application, fill it out or pass along to someone else you think would benefit from applying.

BASIC INFORMATION

Name:

Secret Freemason name (or secret hobo name):

Date of Birth:

Referred by:

Email address:

Homepage URL:

Address:

City:

State: (not an American citizen? interested in a green card? keep filling it out)

Zip:

Primary Phone:

Date you can start:

Are you legally able to work in the United States?

Are you willing to work the hours assigned?

Height:

Weight:

IQ (SAT or ACT scores can be substituted):

GPA (transcripts may be required):

Highest level of Education:
Eye Color:

Hair Color: Is this a dye job?

Yearly Salary:

Smoke:

Drink:

Drugs:

Do you have tattoos or body piercings besides ears? If the answer is yes, attach pictures.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime? (If yes, please explain. Answering Yes will not automatically prevent you from this position).

COMPATABILITY
Do you attend church? How often? What denomination? Who is your favorite minor prophet?

Do you workout? If so, how often? Aerobic or anaerobic?

Do you own any Garth Brooks CDs? If the answer is Yes, please stop now and step in front of a bus.

Are you registered to vote?

List three concerts you have attended:

Last three films seen:

Favorite Activities:

Favorite medieval monarch:

Musical Tastes:

Play any instruments?

Last five books read (textbooks do not count)

Can you count to 11 without taking your shoes off?

Are you going to get all uptight if I don’t come home some night? Will it help if I call?
PSYCHOLOGY AND MEDICAL HISTORY

Have you had all your shots?

What pushes your buttons? (Both in your family and in general)?

Is there any feuding in your immediate or extended family? If so, please elaborate. Use more paper if necessary.

Do you or any member of your immediate family have any medical conditions-either physical or psychiatric? Please describe.


Do any family members take prescription medicine on a regular basis? Please list.

MACHINE AND EQUIPMENT SKILLS: answer yes or no unless otherwise directed
Type WPM:
10 key adding machine
Electronic hole puncher
Word
Excel
Powerpoint
DreamWeaver or other web page software (submit URLs)
BlackBoard
Fax
AACR2
MARC21
Weedeater
Lawn mower
Operate a manual transmission

ESSAYS-pick and answer ONE with as much detail as you can.
1. Discuss the main points of Charles Beard’s economic interpretation of the Constitution as well as the points of rebuttal emphasized by Forrest McDonald in his works.

2. How did the formation of Germany in 1870 threaten decisions made at the Congress of Vienna in 1815?

3. Why does Lynyrd Skynyrd suck so much? (if unfamiliar with their oeuvre, you may substitute the Eagles in answering the question).

I authorize investigation of all statements contained in this application. I certify that there are no willful misrepresentations, omissions or falsifications in the foregoing statements and answers to questions. I am aware that should an investigation disclose any misrepresentation, omission or falsification, my application may be rejected.

Date________________________

Signature_____________________

Signet ring seal (if applicable)______________________